Episodes

  • E258: Weed, Alcohol, and Sex: What's Actually Happening to Your Body and Desire

    E258: Weed, Alcohol, and Sex: What's Actually Happening to Your Body and Desire
    Apr 30 2026
    Whether it's a glass of wine to take the edge off or a gummy to get out of your head, a lot of people use substances to feel more relaxed, more connected, or more in the mood. But there's a lot more happening under the surface than most people realize. In this episode, we're pulling back the sheets on how alcohol and marijuana actually affect desire, arousal, communication, and orgasm — including some real talk from our own experience and candid responses straight from our Pillow Talks community. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why we're upfront about our bias as sober people — and why some of our worst sex happened while intoxicated The real reasons people turn to substances for sex What our community shared about their own experiences — from laughing too hard to try anything, to not being able to orgasm at all The dangers that don't get talked about enough: impaired judgment, consent confusion, emotional flattening, and how substances can make it harder to get aroused, get wet, get hard, or finish The long-term patterns to watch for, including building a dependence on substances just to feel intimate Is sober sex awkward at first? What to do if your libido is low and you're wondering if weed might help How to tell your partner that sex while intoxicated makes you uncomfortable What to do if you're the one who's been relying on substances to get in the mood and you want to change that This one is honest, a little vulnerable, and genuinely useful, whether substances are a regular part of your sex life or you've never even thought about it. 🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship — every single month? The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep the fun, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship. Fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly Designed for real couples with real lives (not just the honeymoon phase) Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore Only $9/month — less than a latte, way better for your relationship 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    1 hr
  • E257: Am I The Asshole? Oversharing, Snoring, and Body Shaming

    E257: Am I The Asshole? Oversharing, Snoring, and Body Shaming
    Apr 24 2026
    One of our favorite series is back. You sent us your wildest, messiest, most "wait… am I the problem here?" relationship stories. And we have opinions. We're talking about a wife who's been sharing intimate details about her husband with her entire family for years (but only good things, so it's fine… right?). A partner who was a little too honest about his wife's body (brutal). Neighbors banging on the ceiling mid-sex. And a whole lot more. Some of these had us genuinely torn. Others? Not so much. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Is it okay to talk about your sex life with friends and family… even if your partner doesn't know? When "just being honest" about attraction crosses a line The initiation that was so bad it killed the mood instantly What happens when your neighbor tries to police your sex life Our honest takes on every single one (and we don't always agree) Whether you're here to feel validated, get a reality check, or just enjoy some relationship drama that isn't yours… this one's a fun ride. 🔗 Links & Resources Catch up on past AITA episodes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode199 https://vmtherapy.com/episode187 https://vmtherapy.com/episode155 https://vmtherapy.com/episode135 https://vmtherapy.com/episode125 🔥 Want to give your partner the best foreplay they’ve ever had? The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs. • Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs • Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do • Written and audio versions of both guides • Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure Stop guessing and start giving your partner a “my soul just left my body” experience. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-foreplay-guides? Stay connected 💛 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Let this Mother’s Day be a reminder that she deserves care, too — discover how Cozy Earth turns everyday routines into moments of softness and ease. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    1 hr and 4 mins
  • E256: Doggy Style: Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Maximum Pleasure

    E256: Doggy Style: Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Maximum Pleasure
    Apr 16 2026
    Let's talk about doggy style. It's one of the most popular positions out there. It can feel intense, wild, and incredibly hot. But it also comes with a lot of questions. Is it supposed to slip out that much? Why does it feel too deep? What if you queef? What about the… view? Yeah. We're going there. In this episode, we're covering everything you need to know about doggy style. How to get into position, how to move, how to adjust the angle for more pleasure (or less pain), and how to actually feel confident doing it. Plus, we're answering your real questions from Instagram and sharing some of our favorite variations to try. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why doggy is one of the best positions for clitoral stimulation (and how to make the most of it) Simple angle and arm adjustments that completely change how it feels What to do when it feels too deep or uncomfortable How to handle the queefing, the slipping out, and the self-consciousness Why this position is actually great for feeling less shy about touching yourself Variations like standing doggy, lying doggy, and cowboy doggy that keep things fresh Answers to your most-asked (and most awkward) doggy style questions from Instagram Whether doggy is your go-to or you've been avoiding it, this episode will help you feel way more confident the next time you try it. 🔥 Want to explore more positions together? Ultimate Sex Positions is our illustrated guide to 42 sex positions with step-by-step instructions, movement guidance, and variations for real bodies. Discover positions that change the energy of sex, from slow and romantic to intense and wild Get clear instructions on how to get into position and how to actually move Includes adjustments for height differences, curves, bellies, pregnancy, and flexibility No acrobatics required. Just curiosity and a willing partner. Most couples rotate between 2 or 3 positions. This guide helps you break out of that loop and find new favorites. 👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex Stay connected 💛 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and instantly book a doctor you love today. ➡︎http://Zocdoc.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Mom a gift that helps her reflect on her life with fresh perspective and gives your whole family the gift of her stories. Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th. Order RIGHT NOW and sve up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    1 hr and 2 mins
  • E255: The Sexiest Thing You're Not Doing in Bed…Mutual Masturbation

    E255: The Sexiest Thing You're Not Doing in Bed…Mutual Masturbation
    Apr 9 2026
    Only 36% of our audience says they've tried mutual masturbation. Which means most of you are missing out on one of the most erotic, intimate, and surprisingly easy things you can do with your partner. It sounds intimidating. Maybe even a little awkward. But here's the thing: it doesn't have to be. In this episode, we're breaking down what mutual masturbation actually is, why it's so hot, and exactly how to try it for the first time (even if the idea makes you nervous). 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why mutual masturbation is one of the best ways to learn what your partner actually likes How being "on display" for each other can be surprisingly sexy Simple, low-pressure ways to bring it up without making it weird What to do if you feel shy (hint: a single candle goes a long way) Creative ways to level it up once you're comfortable How mutual masturbation can help you overcome shame around self-pleasure Why this can be a game-changer for orgasming with your partner You don't have to be adventurous or fearless to try this. You just have to be a little curious. And this episode will give you everything you need to get started. 🔥 Want to take your foreplay skills to the next level? The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are Vanessa and Xander's step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs. Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do Written and audio versions of both guides Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure Whether you want to build confidence, learn something new, or just blow your partner's mind tonight, this is where to start. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: vmtherapy.com/foreplay Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Remi. Start a new year right and use code PILLOW at checkout for 50% off your purchase of a new night guard. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Let this Mother’s Day be a reminder that she deserves care, too — discover how Cozy Earth turns everyday routines into moments of softness and ease. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎ 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Mom a gift that helps her reflect on her life with fresh perspective and gives your whole family the gift of her stories. Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th. Order RIGHT NOW and sve up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    43 mins
  • E254: Couples Coaching: Why Resentment Is Killing Your Sex Life

    E254: Couples Coaching: Why Resentment Is Killing Your Sex Life
    Apr 2 2026
    We're back with another real-life couples coaching session. Have you ever gotten to a point where sex doesn't just feel uninteresting… it feels like something you actively resent? Where you love your partner but the thought of being touched makes you want to crawl out of your skin? That's what's going on here. And there is so much underneath it. We're talking about what happens when orgasm has always been a struggle, when postpartum and hormones change everything, when porn creates unrealistic expectations, and when "just doing it anyway" starts to backfire. Because this isn't really about libido. It's about feeling heard, feeling safe, and figuring out how to be on the same team again. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why "low libido" isn't the real issue here (even when it looks like it) What happens when sex has never been physically easy or enjoyable for her How postpartum, nursing, and hormones quietly reshape desire The pressure she feels to want sex "like the girls in porn" and how that kills connection Why doing it anyway when you don't want to builds resentment, not closeness What it looks like when both partners feel frustrated and neither feels understood How to start talking about sex without it turning into the same old fight If you've ever felt like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages when it comes to sex… this one's going to feel really familiar. You're not broken. You're not alone. And there is a way through this. 🔥 Ready to feel more confident in your pleasure? Finishing School™ is Vanessa’s step-by-step program for understanding your body — and learning how to experience real, reliable pleasure in a way that actually feels good to you. Follow a clear, proven framework for building arousal and orgasm Learn the most valuable techniques women actually use to get there Stop guessing and start understanding what works for your body Expand your pleasure so sex feels more varied, flexible, and fun This is about making pleasure something you can learn… and actually enjoy. 👉🏻 Check out Finishing School™ here: http://vmtherapy.com/orgasm 🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)? If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark. Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar. You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend. 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    54 mins
  • E253: Ask A Sex Therapist: dry spells, sex pillows, and morning sex

    E253: Ask A Sex Therapist: dry spells, sex pillows, and morning sex
    Mar 26 2026
    We do weekly “ask us anything” boxes over on Instagram… and let’s just say… you all really show up with the questions 😏 Today, we’re bringing your q’s to the podcast and diving into them for real. We’re talking about everything from sex pillows to dry spells, morning sex mismatches, body confidence, toys, and what to do when your partner just isn’t that into the resources you know could be helpful. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: The pros and cons of sex pillows (and whether they’re worth trying). How to think about a “dry spell” in a relationship (and what’s actually normal). How to navigate it when one of you loves morning sex… and the other one really doesn’t. Whether you actually need to feel horny to initiate (this one might surprise you). How to feel more comfortable in lingerie (even if it feels awkward at first). What to do when you’re tired from life, parenting, and work… and intimacy isn’t top of mind. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “huh… I wonder about that too,” — you’re going to feel very seen in this episode. Because these are the kinds of questions so many people have… they just don’t always say out loud. 🔥 Want sex that makes you go… “wait, why don’t we do this more often?” If you’re down to play, explore, and discover new ways to turn each other on, The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are where things get very fun. Clear, expert-backed step-by-step techniques for how to touch, tease, and build pleasure in ways that feel really, really good. Because it’s not just about “leading up to” something else… this is the good part. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 👉🏻Get the sex pillow: Head to vmtherapy.com/pillow to get 10% off our favorite sex pillow (code will be applied at checkout) Stay connected: Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander Want more tips like this delivered straight to your inbox? Sign up for our weekly emails: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Don’t forget to subscribe to Pillow Talks so you never miss an episode! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    1 hr and 7 mins
  • E252: Don’t Give Your Kids “The Talk” (do this instead)

    E252: Don’t Give Your Kids “The Talk” (do this instead)
    Mar 19 2026
    Most parents dread “the talk.” How much are you supposed to say? When do you start? What if you say the wrong thing? If you’ve ever felt awkward, unprepared, or secretly hoped your kid would just… figure it out somewhere else — you’re not alone. But here’s the truth: talking to your kids about sex doesn’t make them reckless. Research shows it does the opposite. It reduces risky behavior, increases safety, lowers shame, and strengthens your relationship. And it’s never too late to start. In this episode, we break down how to move beyond one big, terrifying “talk” and instead create short, ongoing conversations that actually work. No lectures. No shame. Just practical, real-world guidance from a licensed sex therapist who’s been helping families navigate this for over 20 years. 💛 In this episode, you’ll learn: Why “The Talk” is a myth (and what to do instead). The research-backed benefits of talking to kids about sex. How to get clear on your why before you start. How to define your family’s guiding principles around sex. The 5 core conversations every parent should have (and how they evolve by age). Conversation starters and scripts you can actually use. What to say when your kid asks a question that completely catches you off guard. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to be willing to start. And that willingness? That’s what makes the difference 🔥 Want Step-By-Step Support? If you’re ready to become the parent your kid can talk to about anything — and you want all the guesswork taken out of it — Beyond The Birds & The Bees: Raising Smart, Safe, Shame-Free Kids gives you scripts, age-by-age guidance, and clear direction on how to raise safe, smart, shame-free kids. It’s not just about having better conversations. It’s about breaking cycles. 👉 Learn more here: vmtherapy.com/kids Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and instantly book a doctor you love today. ➡︎http://Zocdoc.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    52 mins
  • E251: What’s Your Desire Type? Our NEW Framework for Understanding What You and Your Partner Really Want

    E251: What’s Your Desire Type? Our NEW Framework for Understanding What You and Your Partner Really Want
    Mar 12 2026
    We’re talking about something that explains so much of the tension couples feel around sex and desire. And no — it’s not about having a “high” or “low” libido. Desire isn’t as simple as being “in the mood” or not. It’s shaped by how desire shows up for you — in your brain or your body — and when you want intimacy — before or after emotional connection. When you combine those two dynamics, you get four distinct Desire Types. This is a framework we created to help couples finally understand why they might feel like they’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy. Understanding yours (and your partner’s) desire type can completely change the way you approach sex, connection, and feeling wanted — without blame, shame, or pressure. 💛 In this episode, you’ll learn: The difference between spontaneous (brain-first) and responsive (body-first) desire. Why some people want sex to create connection — and others need connection first. The four Desire Types and the strengths and challenges of each. Why your type might shift depending on stress, life stage, or relationship season. How to use this framework to open up better conversations with your partner. We’ll walk you through simple prompts to help you figure out your type, then break down what each combination looks like in real life. No stereotypes. No “one of you is broken” narratives. Just a clear, compassionate way to understand how you want sex — and why your partner might want it differently. If you’ve ever felt mismatched, confused, or frustrated around desire… this episode might be the clarity you’ve been missing. 🔗 Links & Resources 🔥Discover Your Desire Type Here Want to know your type for sure? Learn your Desire Type and get personalized insight into how you experience desire — plus what it means for your relationship. 👉 Take the quiz here: https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type ✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun. The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9! 👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander** 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    1 hr and 6 mins