Showing results by narrator "Arte Johnson" in All Categories

Freudian slips, spoonerisms, double-talk, and nonsense from famous and infamous figures past and present, are all here in one digest that will have you howling with laughter. Imagine saying to the Beatles, "You'll never make it…Go back to Liverpool." That's what a Decca Records executive told the Fab Four in 1962. Senator S.I. Hayakawa allegedly pointed out, "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

If the Watergate scandal was a national nightmare, then maybe the Clinton scandal was a national wet dream, and who better to narrate it than the screenwriter Joe Eszterhas? In American Rhapsody, Eszterhas, whose credits include Basic Instinct and Showgirls, takes us through the events that threatened to topple a president. From scandalmongers Matt Drudge and Ken Starr, to his final, unimpeachable witness, Willard - none other than President Clinton's talking penis - Eszterhas gives us the goods.

Harry Beltway, idealistic young conservative and grandson of a famous evangelist, has just come back from a two-years tour as a missionary when he is persuaded to join the campaign staff of Tim Duncannon, an arch-conservative television commentator who has set his sights on the Republican nomination for presidency so that he can build a barbed wire fence around America.

Today's Generation iY (teens brought up with the Internet) and Homelanders (children born after 9/11) are overexposed to information at an earlier age than ever and paradoxically are underexposed to meaningful relationships and real-life experiences. Artificial Maturity addresses the problem of what to do when parents and teachers mistake children's superficial knowledge for real maturity. The audiobook is filled with practical steps that adults can take to furnish the experiences kids need to balance their abilities with authentic maturity.

Intrigue, crime, and murder create suspense in this edge-of-your-seat collection of cat mystery stories whose plots are all centered on a beloved feline, written by some of the finest, best-selling mystery writers of all time.

Ever wish you had an immediate snappy comeback or a perfect putdown? We all have, only to later think of what we could—or should—have said. Then who better to call on than Shakespeare, who mastered the art of dramatic conflict with rapier wit rather than swordplay? This audiobook is an entertaining and witty collection of some of the most cutting jeers and outrageous affronts ever spoken. Never miss an opportunity for a well-aimed insult by borrowing from the Bard.

Here is the absolute best of Dave Barry; selections from four of his most popular books, including the hilarious Guide to Guys. Dave Barry is on the loose and no one is safe....

Now a Netflix animated film starring Will Forte, Maya Rudolph, Alessia Cara, Terry Crews, Martin Short, Jane Krakowski, Séan Cullen, and Ricky Gervais! From the Newbery Medal-winning author of The Giver and Number the Stars, comes a "hilarious" (Booklist, starred review) and wonderfully...

Retired private detective and current seventh grader Steve Brixton has a new career: taking out the garbage on Wednesdays for five bucks a week. But it’s hard to leave the old game behind, and on a train trip down the California coast, Steve finds himself pulled back into sleuthing. Soon...

Now a major motion picture! Everyone deserves a second chance on the course--and in life. Join golf pro Wally Armstrong and author Ken Blanchard as they condense decades of practical know-how into a simple book with an incredible, inspiring message: sometimes we all need a mulligan. Meet Paul...

Now is not the time to start that fitness program! Instead, laugh along with humorist Dave Barry as he debunks, demotivates, and delights on the subject of fitness. Hear his inimitable views on exercise ("the best time would be the first thing after Easter, but not the one coming up"), weights ("big-time lifters have turned into 400-pound hairy sweaty shapeless grunting masses of tissue. And the men are even worse"), and much more.

Dr. Becky Sorenson has found a cache of frogs with a very high mutation rate...and some odd behaviors. Dr. David Carter’s core earth samples seem to indicate the next polar reversal will be worse than predicted. And CDC researchers Jordan and Jillian are looking at a strange new disease. When the four scientists delve deeper, they discover they are all looking at the leading edge of a sweeping magnetic polar reversal. As humanity ignores their increasingly panicked warnings, the scientists will have to fight to save everyone...if they even can.

Murder in a Distant Land the stories for this annual collection of the Mystery Writers of America were selected for their strange and exotic locales. Breathtaking suspense, cold-blooded crime, and challenging twists of plot - set in the four corner of the world - make this recording a chilling audio experience. We suggest you listen with the lights on!

A wickedly funny novel from the New York Times bestselling author of Squeeze Me in which the greedy, the corrupt, and the degraders of what’s left of pristine Florida—now, of the Bahamas as well—get their comeuppance. “[A] comedic marvel … [Hiaasen] hasn’t written a novel this funny...

Since Dave Barry writes about weird things, you might be tempted to think he has a weird brain. He does, of course, but that's not the whole explanation: A lot of the things he writes about—exploding Pop-Tarts, for example—are real. Join Dave as he examines UFO thrill-seekers and Elvis-worshippers, runs for president, and plays Claptonesque guitar in the world's most literary band that includes Stephen King (The Rock-Bottom Remainders).

What do bestselling writers Sue Grafton, Danielle Steel, and Tom Clancy all have in common? They've all been murdered in a manner both gruesome and appropriate to their style. An extremely paranoid Stephen King is convinced that he will be the next victim, so he leaves his heavily-barricaded fortress in Bangor, Maine, to discover who is bumping off his fellow novelists. This hilarious send-up of the world of publishing takes readers to Maine, Paris, and Venice and features cameo appearances by Steve Martin, Gerard Depardieu—plus a few surprises.

A collection of coast-to-coast murder and mayham, including these unabridged short stories: "Vaudeville" by Whitley Strieber, read by Roddy McDowell; "Lucky Day" by Mary Higgins Clark, read by Betsy Palmer; "Starstruck" by Jon A. Breen, read by James Stacy; "Snookered" by Gerald Tomlinson, read by David Birney; "It Was Bad Enough" by Ron Goulart, read by Arte Johnson and Gee Whiz; "My Lovely" by Betty Buchanan, read by Joan Rivers.

If there's even a smidgen of Scrooge in your psyche, just say, "Bah-Humbug!" and laugh at this satire of the treacly best seller, The Christmas Box. Among the variations on the theme are: The Christmas Vox, in which a young man finds himself having phone sex with Ms. Santa Claus; The Christmas Jury Box, a touching memoir by a sequestered O.J. juror who misses her fruitcake; and The Christmas Box Lunch, the touching tale of a caterer's X-mas. You'll be pleased to learn that the true meaning of Christmas is receiving.

This collection features a selection of classic short stories and poems by legendary Western authors Stephen Crane, Bret Harte, and Jack London.

From the grand old man of comedy, George Burns, to the up-to-the minute observations of today's everyman, Dave Barry, these great humorists share one thing in common: their very individual, often raucously funny perceptions of the world around them.