In this episode, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the concept of bids for connection in relationships, emphasising how recognising and responding to these moments can strengthen bonds and prevent misunderstandings. They discuss practical examples, the importance of awareness, and the impact of missed bids on emotional and physical health.

key topics

Bids for connection and their importance in relationships

Examples of bids for connection in daily life

The impact of missed bids on emotional and physical health

How to recognise and respond to bids for connection

The role of safety and trust in responding to bids

Consequences of ignoring bids and how to avoid them

The concept of sliding door moments in relationships

Practical tips for strengthening connection through small moments

takeaways

Bids for connection are small moments where partners seek attention and closeness.

Many bids go unnoticed or unresponded to, leading to emotional distance.

Responding to bids with curiosity and acknowledgement strengthens bonds.

Repeated missed bids can lead to feelings of rejection and physical pain.

Raising awareness of bids can prevent long-term damage to relationships.

guest name

Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Overview of Bids for Connection

04:31 Understanding Bids for Connection

09:23 The Importance of Awareness in Relationships

13:58 Consequences of Missing Bids for Connection

18:49 Recognising Sliding Door Moments

22:59 The Impact of Criticism on Connection

27:34 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

resources

John Gottman - Sliding Door Moments - https://www.gottman.com/blog/sliding-door-moments/

Attachment Theory - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment-theory

Thomas Westenholz - l Website - https://coupletherapy.earth

EFT Couple Therapy Brighton & Hove

In this episode of Couples in Focus, we explore a question many couples never stop to ask: What actually makes a relationship flourish?

A lot of relationship advice focuses on safety—reducing conflict, improving communication, and creating emotional security. And those things matter. But they’re really just the foundation.

So why do some relationships feel stable… yet flat? And what’s the difference between a relationship that simply works and one that truly feels alive?

In this conversation, we explore the deeper ingredients that help relationships thrive, including playfulness, admiration, curiosity, personal growth, and shared meaning. We also talk about why many couples slowly drift into “functional partnerships” and how small shifts can bring back energy, connection, and attraction.

If you’ve ever wondered how couples move from secure to deeply alive, this episode dives into the subtle dynamics that make that possible.

You’ll hear reflections on:

• Why stability alone doesn’t guarantee happiness in a relationship

• The surprising role of play and laughter in long-term love

• How curiosity can bring couples closer again

• Why personal growth can actually increase attraction

• The difference between relationships that drain us and those that energise us

If you’d like to learn more about our work with couples, you can visit:
https://coupletherapy.earth

And if you’re interested in tools and training to better understand relationship dynamics:
https://findyourmatch.academy

We hope this conversation sparks some reflection about what helps relationships not just survive—but truly flourish.

Summary

In this episode of Couples in Focus, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston delve into the critical concepts of self-regulation and co-regulation within relationships. They explore how understanding our stress responses and predictive models can enhance emotional awareness and communication between partners. The discussion emphasises the importance of recognising bodily cues, the role of meditation, and the necessity of both self-regulation and co-regulation for healthy relationships. Through practical examples and insights, the hosts offer listeners strategies to improve their emotional intelligence and relationship dynamics.

To learn more, visit https://coupletherapy.earth/ for couples or if you are single https://findyourmatch.academy/

Takeaways

Self-regulation is essential for effective communication in relationships.

Meditation helps in developing awareness of bodily sensations.

Recognising stress responses can prevent escalation in conflicts.

Co-regulation involves partners supporting each other's emotional states.

Predictive models shape our expectations in relationships.

Ruptures in relationships can lead to opportunities for repair.

Effective co-regulation requires self-regulation skills.

Emotional object permanence helps in building trust between partners.

Small steps in self-regulation can lead to significant changes.

Understanding predictive models can change how we perceive our partner's actions.

Keywords

self-regulation, co-regulation, predictive models, stress response, emotional intelligence, couples therapy, communication, relationship dynamics, mindfulness, emotional awareness

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Self-Regulation

03:07 Understanding Self-Regulation and Its Importance

05:58 The Role of Body Awareness in Self-Regulation

08:54 Strategies for Self-Regulation

12:14 The Impact of Relationships on Self-Regulation

15:04 Predictive Models and Their Influence on Behavior

17:50 The Importance of Repair in Relationships

22:58 The Importance of Self-Regulation

25:57 Understanding Predictive Models in Relationships

29:01 Effective Co-Regulation and Dependence

32:10 Navigating Emotional Dysregulation

35:04 The Role of Movement in Self-Regulation

38:03 Building Emotional Object Permanence

41:00 Expanding the Window of Tolerance