Episodes

  • Boundaries Aren’t B*tchy!

    Boundaries Aren’t B*tchy!
    Apr 15 2026
    What if the thing you’ve been calling “being rude”… is actually just having a boundary?Yeah. Let’s talk about it.Because somewhere along the way—especially for women, people-pleasers, and anyone raised to prioritize politeness over honesty—boundaries got branded as selfish, cold, or straight-up b*tchy.And honestly? That narrative is doing damage.In this episode of But For Real, we’re doing a full, unfiltered deep dive into boundaries—what they actually are, why they feel so uncomfortable, and how your relationship with them changes as you grow up (or burn out).We’re talking about the subtle ways we’ve been conditioned to shrink, overextend, and contort ourselves to keep the peace… and the moment you realize: “Wait… I actually can’t keep living like this.”We get into the real-life evolution of boundaries—from being overly accommodating and “nice” to realizing that clarity is not cruelty.And yes, we’re saying the quiet part out loud:Not everyone who sets a boundary is a b*tch… …but also? You might have to tolerate being perceived that way anyway.Cool cool cool. 🫠Because boundaries aren’t just personal.They’re relational. Cultural. Political. Survival.So if you’ve ever wondered:“Am I being too much?”“Why does setting boundaries make me feel like I’m doing something wrong?”“How do I stop people-pleasing without becoming an asshole?”…yeah. This one’s for you.Let’s roll the tape.From there, we unpack: Why boundaries are often mistaken for being rude or “difficult”How people-pleasing and politeness culture shape your ability to set limitsThe difference between being a b*tch vs. having a boundaryWhy your relationship with boundaries changes over timeHow burnout and survival instincts force boundary growthThe hidden cost of over-accommodating yourself in relationshipsWhy clarity is actually kinder than silent resentmentHow cultural expectations (especially for women) distort boundary-settingWhat healthy boundaries actually sound like in real lifeWhy being misunderstood is sometimes part of doing it right We talk about:00:00 – Welcome to But For Real01:00 – Why we needed a boundaries deep dive02:00 – People-pleasing, politeness & cultural conditioning03:00 – “Am I rude… or do I just have boundaries?”04:00 – Why boundaries feel uncomfortable (especially for women)05:00 – Boundaries as survival, not just self-growth06:00 – Tea & Crumpets: Olympics, joy, and elite performance08:30 – What high performers teach us about boundaries10:00+ – The real conversation begins: boundaries, identity & growthResources Mentioned:Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US): Call or text 988Find international support: https://www.findahelpline.comreasonstostay.co Connect with Us:Submit a story for The Lore segmentSubmit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segmentReach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com But For Real on IG: @butforrealpodNow That's What I Call... OKAAAAY PlaylistThe Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenterVal on IG: @valkaymartinThe Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.
    Show More Show Less
    38 mins
  • The One About Suicide 💔🫂

    The One About Suicide 💔🫂
    Apr 1 2026
    We need to talk about suicide… like actually talk about it.Not in the polished, clinical, tip-list way. Not in the fear-based, “don’t say the wrong thing” way. But in the real, messy, human way that most of us have experienced—whether personally or through someone we love.Because here’s the truth: suicide is way more common, complex, and misunderstood than we’re comfortable admitting. And the way we talk about it? Often makes it harder—not easier—for people to feel seen, supported, or safe enough to open up.In this episode of But For Real, we’re going there.We’re talking about suicidal ideation (including the kind that doesn’t mean you actually want to die), the difference between passive and active thoughts, and why so many people feel ashamed of experiences that are actually more common than we think.We’re also unpacking the tension between holding the weight of this topic and still making space for humanity, humor, and connection—because healing doesn’t only happen in sterile silence.And yes… we’re bringing both the heavy and the real.We’re asking:Why is suicide still so stigmatized—even in mental health spaces?What actually counts as suicidal ideation?Is it “normal” to have passive thoughts about not wanting to exist?Why does shame keep people stuck in silence?And how do we talk about this in a way that actually helps?Because here’s the thing:Not every suicidal thought means someone wants to die.But every experience of suffering deserves to be taken seriously.So whether this topic touches your life directly or indirectly… we’re really glad you’re here.From there, we unpack: What suicidal ideation actually is (and what it’s not)The difference between passive vs. active suicidal thoughtsWhy passive SI can be more common—and human—than you thinkHow shame and stigma keep people from talking about their experienceWhy humor can be a legitimate coping skill, not avoidanceHow therapists actually think about and approach suicideWhy overly clinical conversations can feel disconnected—and what works betterHow to support yourself or someone else without defaulting to panic or silenceThe role of lived experience in shaping mental health workWe talk about:00:00 – Why this topic matters01:00 – Can we talk about suicide and still be human?02:30 – Humor as a coping skill (yes, really)03:00 – Content warning + how to take care of yourself while listening04:00 – Personal connections to suicide and why this work matters05:30 – Passive suicidal ideation: what it actually means06:00 – Tea & Crumpets: existential YouTube rabbit holes08:30 – The psychology of death, meaning, and “last meal” thinking09:00 – A movie that explores the afterlife—and what happens next10:00+ – The deeper conversation begins (suicide, stigma, and nuance)Resources Mentioned:Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US): Call or text 988Find international support: https://www.findahelpline.comreasonstostay.co Connect with Us:Submit a story for The Lore segmentSubmit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segmentReach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com But For Real on IG: @butforrealpodNow That's What I Call... OKAAAAY PlaylistThe Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenterVal on IG: @valkaymartinThe Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.
    Show More Show Less
    1 hr and 13 mins
  • Is Sex Addiction Really a Thing?

    Is Sex Addiction Really a Thing?
    Mar 18 2026
    We need to talk about sex addiction — because culturally, this phrase gets thrown around a lot. And depending on who you ask, it’s either a legitimate disorder… or a moral panic wrapped in clinical language.Either way, it is certainly true that some people need expert support to realign their sexual behavior with their values and intentions, and heal any wounds that may underlie sexual acting out. But is addiction the one best model for doing this work?In this episode of But For Real, we’re diving into the messy, controversial world of sex addiction, porn use, and what clinicians actually mean when they talk about “out of control sexual behavior.”Because here’s the truth: the phrase sex addict gets used everywhere — in couples fights, celebrity scandals, religious communities, and treatment centers. But clinically, the picture is way more nuanced.We’re asking:Is sex addiction actually recognized as a mental health disorder?Why does the DSM not include it?What’s the difference between a high libido, a porn habit, and something that’s truly out of control?And how much of this conversation is shaped by moral judgment, religion, and cultural discomfort around sex?Because here’s the thing:Not every high libido is pathology. Not every porn habit is addiction. And not every relationship betrayal means someone has a disease.But if your sexual behavior feels compulsive, secretive, or deeply distressing, that matters — and it deserves real support, not internet armchair diagnoses.In this episode, we break down the history of the sex addiction model, why many sex therapists challenge it, and what a more nuanced understanding of sexual behavior actually looks like.Plus, we explore the role of shame, porn culture, religion, attachment, and emotion regulation — because sometimes behavior isn’t the real issue. It’s the coping strategy underneath it.From there, we unpack: The origin of the sex addiction model and its roots in the 12-step worldWhy “sex addiction” has never been officially recognized in the DSMThe difference between sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, and out-of-control sexual behaviorWhy labeling someone a “sex addict” can sometimes pathologize normal sexualityThe cultural factors (religion, gender norms, and shame) shaping the conversationHow porn use actually fits into this discussionThe difference between sexual acting out vs. sexual offendingSigns sexual behavior might truly be compulsive or distressingWhy shame and secrecy often keep people stuck in the cycleHow sex therapy approaches this topic differently than addiction treatmentWe talk about:00:00 – Life hacks: hiccup cures & anxiety nausea tricks05:30 – Tea & Crumpets: internet rabbit holes and cultural commentary09:30 – Step Into My Office: porn, shame, and being labeled a “sex addict”14:00 – The DSM: is sex addiction a real diagnosis?17:00 – Val’s experience training as a sex addiction therapist20:00 – Why the DSM rejected hypersexual disorder22:00 – The shift toward out-of-control sexual behavior frameworks24:00 – Moral shame vs clinically significant distress30:00 – Porn, masculinity, and cultural narratives about sex36:00 – A healthier way to understand sexual behaviorResources Mentioned:The Myth of Sex Addiction by David LeyTreating Out of Control Sexual Behavior by Doug Braun-Harvey & Michael VigoritoConnect with Us:Submit a story for The Lore segmentSubmit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segmentReach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com But For Real on IG: @butforrealpodNow That's What I Call... OKAAAAY PlaylistThe Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenterVal on IG: @valkaymartinThe Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.
    Show More Show Less
    48 mins
  • We Need To Talk About Child Stars 🎬

    We Need To Talk About Child Stars 🎬
    Mar 4 2026
    We need to talk about child stars, y’all. 🎬 Not just in a nostalgic “remember when?” way. And not just in a “look at their meltdown” way. In a developmental, nervous-system, attachment theory-informed way.Because culturally, we’ve been sold a shiny story about fame, money, and success. But from a developmental perspective, achieving fame early in life can leave lasting scars, which are too often exploited as memes and clickbait headlines. In this episode of But For Real, we unpack the psychological underbelly of child stardom — from Britney in that revealing schoolgirl uniform at 16 to Bieber stripped down at this year’s Grammys— and from the Disney/Nickelodeon machine to TikTok kids with brand deals before puberty.We’re asking:What happens when identity formation gets too blended with performance?What does it do to a child’s attachment system when they’re the breadwinner?How does a nervous system develop under constant visibility and evaluation?Because here’s the truth:Money does not regulate a nervous system.Fame does not replace attunement.And followers do not equal safety.From there, we unpack: How identity formation gets disrupted when a kid becomes a brand 🎭Why being rewarded for compliance and performance warps self-conceptWhat happens developmentally when you can’t have your “weird phase” in privateHow attachment dynamics shift when the child becomes the breadwinner 💸The psychological pressure baked into parentificationWhy money and fame don’t regulate a nervous systemThe mental health risks tied to chronic evaluation, overstimulation, and performance conditioningHow substance use becomes an understandable (but costly) regulation strategyWhat parasocial relationships and hyper-visibility do to individuation 📱Why the lack of federal protections for child influencers should concern all of usPlus— rabbit holes (well, of course) exploring Jeanette McCurdy, Val’s QVC host childhood dreams, paparazzi and algorithm culture, the Coogan Law, Ruby Franke’s family vlog fallout, and why “but they had everything” completely misses the point.We talk about:00:00 – Intro03:00 – Jeanette McCurdy and the child star reckoning06:00 – A 10-year-old who wants to be famous (Step Into My Office)11:00 – Erikson, identity formation & losing your “weird phase”15:00 – Attachment theory & the child-as-breadwinner dynamic20:00 – Substance use, performance pressure & shame23:00 – Paparazzi culture vs. algorithm culture27:00 – Parasocial relationships & hyper-visibility30:00 – “They had everything” — and why that argument failsConnect with Us:Submit a story for The Lore segmentSubmit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segmentReach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com But For Real on IG: @butforrealpodNow That's What I Call... OKAAAAY PlaylistThe Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenterVal on IG: @valkaymartinThe Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.
    Show More Show Less
    38 mins
  • Why We Love The Drama (Until It's Ours) 🫣

    Why We Love The Drama (Until It's Ours) 🫣
    Feb 18 2026

    Let’s be honest. We all love a little drama… as long as it’s not happening to us. 😜

    From celebrity family feuds to wedding-day chaos to messy public statements, we can’t look away. But the second that kind of public-facing conflict hits our own nervous system? We’re either shutting down, spiraling, or plotting our escape into permanent invisibility.

    In this episode of But For Real, therapists Val and Emerson unpack the psychology of why we love drama and gossip— at least, of course, until it’s about us. We’re talking attachment wounds, tribalism, and the very human tendency to consume chaos as entertainment while avoiding it in our own lives.

    As always, we’re kicking things off with some pop culture tea (the Beckhams are fighting, y’all), but quickly zoom out to explore the deeper question: why does other people’s relational conflict feel juicy, but our own feels threatening?

    If you grew up in a family where repair wasn’t modeled…

    If conflict makes your chest tighten and your brain short-circuit…

    If you find yourself glued to reality TV but allergic to confrontation…

    This one’s for you, babe.

    Because of course drama hits different when your attachment system is involved.

    From there, we unpack:

    1. Why other people’s drama feels safe to consume
    2. What happens in your nervous system when conflict becomes personal
    3. How attachment wounds shape your reaction to relational tension
    4. The difference between curiosity and rumination
    5. Why public family conflict hits so hard culturally
    6. When drama becomes avoidance
    7. How to stop intellectualizing and start embodying repair
    8. Why healing relational trauma requires tolerating discomfort

    Plus: Snowmageddon survival stories, exploding trees and frost cracking, unexpected love for a Super 8 motel, Spice Girls loyalty debates, and the trainwreck-you-can’t-look-away-from of the Beckhams fighting in public.

    This episode is for anyone who:

    1. Loves a little pop culture tea but gets dysregulated the second conflict hits close to home
    2. Grew up around tension, enmeshment, or emotional landmines and now feels hyper-aware of drama everywhere
    3. Finds themselves glued to other people’s relational mess while avoiding their own
    4. Is realizing their nervous system reacts to conflict like it’s a five-alarm fire

    Because sometimes we’re not obsessed with drama. We’re just trying to understand something our body never got to feel safe inside of.

    We talk about:

    1. 00:00 – Snowmageddon 2026 & survival mode
    2. 03:30 – Pop culture tea: The Beckhams are fighting
    3. 07:00 – Why we love drama when it’s not ours
    4. 11:00 – Nervous system activation &...
    Show More Show Less
    53 mins
  • The One About Repair ❤️‍🩹🫂

    The One About Repair ❤️‍🩹🫂
    Feb 4 2026

    If conflict makes your chest tighten, your brain freeze, or your instinct scream “AVOID AT ALL COSTS, ABORT, ABORT!,” this episode is for YOU, honey.

    In Episode 37 of But For Real, therapists Val and Em talk honestly about repair—not the Instagram version, but the real-life, messy, emotionally vulnerable process of repairing relationships after conflict. We recorded this episode fresh off a hard week, which means we’re not speaking theoretically. We’re speaking from inside it.

    We unpack what repair actually looks like when it wasn’t modeled, when uncertainty feels unbearable, and when your nervous system is convinced that conflict equals danger. This isn’t about fixing everything perfectly or tying things up with a bow. It’s about starting, staying present, and choosing connection even when you’re scared.

    From there, we unpack:

    1. Why repair doesn’t mean “everything is fixed now”
    2. Why starting matters more than finishing
    3. How uncertainty is anxiety’s worst nightmare (and still unavoidable)
    4. What it looks like to live your values instead of just talking about them
    5. Why doing the messy, uncomfortable thing is often the most ethical choice

    Plus: fragrances, phone maximalism, dairy-free Boursin supremacy, Hobby Lobby slander, and letting your inner toddler run the show occasionally.

    This episode is for anyone who:

    1. Never saw repair modeled growing up
    2. Feels terrified of conflict but longs for deeper connection
    3. Thinks they’re “bad at relationships” when really they were just never taught
    4. Is learning how to do hard things scared, tender, and imperfect

    Repair isn’t clean. It isn’t linear. And it isn’t always possible. But when it IS possible? Even if it’s messy, it can be powerful as hell.

    We talk about:

    1. 00:00 – Welcome back, sleep deprivation, and why we sound unhinged
    2. 01:30 – Why we chose repair as today’s topic (and why it’s personal)
    3. 03:00 – Emerson on conflict avoidance, repair not being modeled, and inner-child witnessing
    4. 05:00 – Anxiety, uncertainty, and why “not knowing how this ends” is brutal
    5. 07:30 – Living your values vs. performing them
    6. 10:00 – Tea & Crumpets: fragrance recs, phone maximalism, and inner toddler joy
    7. 15:00 – Food opinions we feel unreasonably strong about
    8. 18:00 – Why repair isn’t about blame, villains, or being “right”
    9. 22:00 – Val’s tower moment: things falling apart to rebuild stronger
    10. 26:00 – Starting repair without knowing the...
    Show More Show Less
    1 hr and 3 mins
  • Why Being Regulated All The Time Is Bullsh*t!

    Why Being Regulated All The Time Is Bullsh*t!
    Jan 22 2026

    If you’ve done “the work,” learned nervous system skills, gone to therapy… and you still get dysregulated, this episode is your permission slip to stop spiraling about it.

    In Episode 36 of But For Real, Val and Em break down what emotional regulation actually means—and why TikTok, pop psychology, and even therapy culture have wildly distorted it. We start the episode under-caffeinated, under-slept, and already dysregulated (relatable), then use that exact moment to talk about what being human really looks like.

    We answer a listener question from a self-described “dysregulated diva” who’s frustrated that anxiety spikes, shutdown, and emotional overwhelm still happen despite years of nervous system work. Spoiler: this does not mean therapy isn’t working.

    From there, we unpack:

    1. Why emotions are energy in motion, not instructions
    2. How emotional regulation has been hijacked by productivity culture
    3. Why the DSM doesn’t diagnose emotions—and why TikTok keeps trying to
    4. The difference between emotional intensity and mental illness
    5. Why “never being activated again” is a scam
    6. How DBT skills like urge surfing, TIPP, emotion naming, and opposite action actually work in real life

    We also talk cicadas, kombucha shots, weaponized stoicism, BPD discourse on TikTok, why calm ≠ healed, and how regulation was never meant to make you quieter, easier, or more palatable.

    This episode is nervous-system education without toxic positivity, spiritual bypassing, or “rewire yourself once and for all” nonsense.

    If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I still like this?” — this one’s for you.

    We talk about:

    1. 00:00 – Low brain power, re-recording chaos, and starting dysregulated
    2. 02:00 – Real-life regulation: distraction vs. shifting state
    3. 05:00 – Tea & Crumpets: unsettling movies, long-form content, and attention burnout
    4. 09:30 – Step Into My Office: “If I still get dysregulated, is therapy working?”
    5. 14:00 – Why “never being activated again” is a lie
    6. 16:00 – What emotions actually are: energy in motion
    7. 18:30 – Thoughts vs. emotions (aka: don’t believe every cicada thought)
    8. 21:00 – How emotions get pathologized culturally
    9. 23:00 – The DSM reality check (and why TikTok keeps misusing it)
    10. 26:00 – BPD discourse, diagnostic criteria, and why labels are getting sloppy
    11. 28:00 – What emotional regulation really means
    12. 31:00 – Window of Tolerance myths & hot takes
    Show More Show Less
    54 mins
  • Seasonal Feelings Disorder: Why Is January SO Weird?

    Seasonal Feelings Disorder: Why Is January SO Weird?
    Jan 7 2026

    January is just… weird, y’all. Not awful necessarily, but also not really the motivation-charged era we’re culturally conditioned that it should be.

    In this episode of But For Real, we’re naming the post-holiday emotional hangover that sneaks up on so many of us every January. The irritability. The numbness. The low-grade existential dread. The urge to hibernate while the internet screams “new year, new you.”

    We’re calling it Seasonal Feelings Disorder, not a diagnosis, not a pathology, just an honest name for the cocktail of nervous system burnout, disrupted routines, winter darkness, and cultural pressure that makes January feel like liminal purgatory.

    We talk about why your body crashes after December, why motivation disappears, why everything feels heavier, and why none of this means you’re broken, behind, or failing at life. We break down the difference between winter blues and Seasonal Affective Disorder, how capitalism fights biology every January, and why neurodivergent folks often feel this season more intensely.

    This episode blends therapist brains, lived experience, listener questions, nervous system education, music, trash panda joy, and variety-show chaos, because mental health conversations should feel human, not like homework.

    If January has you staring at your calendar wondering what happened to your personality, this one’s for you.

    We cover:

    • Why January feels emotionally flat, irritable, and existential
    • What we mean by “Seasonal Feelings Disorder”
    • The difference between January blues and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
    • The nervous system crash after December overstimulation
    • Why winter biology and productivity culture are always fighting
    • How routines, motivation, and identity get scrambled in January
    • Why neurodivergent nervous systems feel this season harder
    • The myth of “new year energy” and why it backfires
    • Gentle ways to support your nervous system instead of forcing growth
    • How to re-enter structure without shame or self-punishment
    • Why you’re not lazy, ungrateful, or behind, you’re defrosting

    We talk about:

    • 00:00 – We’re back, end-of-year chaos, and why January already feels weird
    • 03:05 – Ins & outs, movement, therapy, identity, and letting go of over-rotting
    • 06:40 – Burnout, rest, and learning what actually restores us
    • 09:45 – Civic engagement, goblin core, and letting ourselves evolve messily
    • 12:30 – Tea & Crumpets, vagus nerve care and nervous system survival tools
    • 14:50 – Step Into My Office, the spiritually dehydrated January question
    • 18:20 – Why January feels existential and disorienting
    • 20:15 – Seasonal Feelings Disorder, what it is and what it isn’t
    • 22:10 – SAD vs winter blues, clinical vs situational
    • 25:00 – Post-holiday adrenaline crashes and nervous system burnout
    • 28:40 – Circadian rhythms, darkness, and winter biology
    • 31:10 – Capitalism, productivity pressure, and January whiplash
    • 33:45 – Neurodivergence, masking fatigue, and routine collapse
    • 36:30 – Gentle structure instead of aggressive self-reinvention
    • 39:00 – Defrosting slowly instead of forcing bloom mode
    • 41:50 – Music that understands winter sadness
    • 44:20 – Fire Dumpster Phoenix, trash panda hope
    • 48:10 – Final thoughts, permission to move slowly into the year

    Connect with Us:

    • Send a story or ask for advice: butforrealpod@gmail.com
    • But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
    Show More Show Less
    50 mins